Truth, Love, Dragons + Richness
On Being You. On Being more than OKAY with you.
You know, I ‘m not really sure where I picked up this idea that in some way I was always flawed. That I was always inconveniencing others, that I was always bringing other people down, but, still to this day, I hear that voice and I try to climb higher.
Once upon a time, my “climbing higher” was to find a way to “fix” a problem. Find a way to “fix” myself, as if I knew I was something that needed mending.
As if being flawed and vulnerable actually made me less of a human, and, more of a monster.
However, what I feel so thankful to finally know, is that our imperfections are exactly what make us human. I mean, author and speaker, Brene Brown has done an AMAZING job at helping myself and so many walk within and share this light. A light of forgiveness and compassion – for ourselves and others.
While I used to feel broken in every way, and in most interactions, what I found myself doing then was actually getting trapped in my head and winding myself into a knot of isolated thinking – which, when being negative on yourself … is really like a BAD hall of mirrors that further distorts your self -image with each new reflection … a mirror creating distance between the real you and your real truth.
While in the past I would step INSIDE to process my bad hall of mirrors, I one day realized this was a trap. The only way out was to step OUTSIDE and listen to what someone I could TRUST could reflect . This was where I realized just how important human connection is.
I realized how important it is to develop trust in others … because in a sense they can reflect to us our personal relationship to trust within ourselves.
To this day, and maybe newly in the past few years, I’ve really allowed myself to be seen. I’ve asked questions out loud, or through a letter when I wondered if I’ve hurt someone’s feelings … to truly engage and connect … instead of assuming my biggest fears were right. This has allowed me to get a real feeling for when I am seeing things clearly, or, simply getting trapped in a bad hall of mirrors.
My comfort with getting outside of my head and dropping into my heart when connecting to others has completely shifted my relationships.
For example, I’ve found a new practice that entails apologizing in a more direct and sincere manner instead of just saying “I’m sorry” all the time … hah. I’m still totally “guilty” of this and like to blame this tendency my Catholic remorse. No shade at Catholics actually. I enjoyed my experience growing up from 8-12 in the church … The gorgeous space, singing in choir, kayaking at that Catholic camp with the glass walled cathedral, the sacred ritual and incense, connection to Guardian Angels (or Spirit Guides), and I also recognized within that community a sense of open-mindedness and a usually great sense of humor with plenty of with self-depreciation, hah.
Anyhow, I really wanted to write this to encourage you, if you are someone who fears letting people down … instead of hiding from what you fear, instead of assuming for the worst, instead of trying to contort yourself into who you think you SHOULD be …
Be like a Lion. Or, well, what we often get from the voice of Lion … Shine your light. Speak your truth. Meet the situation with Courage. Have the strength to BE TRUE to you.
Recently I recognized how important COURAGE is to me. I realized that in life, in love, in friendships …. I crave COURAGE.
I am inspired by courageous humans who are not afraid to express themselves through their art, music, dance, message, or, messy creations.
I desire to connect with people who step past the temptation to put on a façade, and instead, actively choose their HUMANESS by being vulnerable. There is so much compassion and permission shared when we do this … for others to feel such FREEDOM for themselves.
I am attracted to people who actively CHOOSE to be 100% truthful … those who choose courage over cowardice, especially when they hold fear around how they may be perceived.
I am honored to experience what it’s like for someone to step into their voice and take up space, especially when EXPRESSION was something they feared before.
I’m forever thankful for the friends that I have made over the years who have the courage to be truthful with me, share trust with me, and love me even if I am feeling super down, low, and lost.
So, I share all this … because while I spent well over the first half of my life feeling absolutely broken and flawed and alone …
It wasn’t until I reached out and showed all of my messy thoughts, worries, and ways to the beautiful people that surrounded me … that I realized that I’m actually just fine the way I am. They helped me to see that I am worthy of love.
While I still find myself apologizing for being me at times, I know now that I am doing it from a deeper space in my heart that is authentically shared to align myself with the person I am GROWING into. This is very different from a knee jerk reflex to apologize for everything, or, even take blame to “fix” a sticky situation in order to keep the peace, or, maybe even to take the pressure off of someone else who is not interested in being fully and wholly present or truthful to the moment.
The more honest I am with others, the more deeply I can see how trustworthy and loving and forgiving so many people around us can be.
I have recognized that we all really want to be seen and be loved. I have recognized how in order to be fully seen and loved we must to be willing to step into the light of the world, with all of our perceived darkness and be FULLY SEEN.
This is an integration of who we are … as a WHOLE person. Anyone who tells you that you should run from your shadows, your dragons, your monsters … they are on a path that can only really lead to their own demise and a crumbling from the outside in, as so eloquently phrased above by Ursula K. Le Guin.
Those who are totally down with going spelunking into their caves and your caves, hand and hand, in search for the Dragons … not to slay them, but, to love them … these are the most courageous human beings and friends that you could ever ask for.
I feel so thankful to have finally been able to experience this feeling of freedom to be myself fully, and to love others fully.
I have been so thankful to finally let myself open up completely, knowing that I may “stumble” … and this is so much this is a part of LIFE.
We are always learning and it’s not always pretty … but, my dear is can all be beautiful!
A friend of mine named Jack recently introduced me to the phrase “Brutiful” … it’s a blend of “brutal” and “beauty”. While I don’t feel that all of life needs to be Brutiful, I do know that we as Human-y-Humans … WE do have a choice to sit with and face the brutal truths within us or outside of us … we can CHOOSE to hold those Dragons with open arms. Their being seen alone begins the dance, the journey, the loving embrace towards the “taming” of our Dragons … simply through compassion and acceptance.
Dragon’s are beautiful. They literally spit light out of their mouths, but, live in the darkness. They live in piles of gold, yet, in solitude in their caves of darkness. While in complete hiding with their gold, their hidden riches, their gifts, how can they share what they have to offer?
How can they shine their light, or share there gifts if there is no true connection with anyone, or, thing in which to share it?
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
If there is spark in your Soul and nobody sees it, does it shine a Light?
When I was a child I had this re-occurring dream. It first happened when I was under five years old. Then, it happened a few times between eight years old or so and my teenage years, and, finally, once again, it happened in my twenties.
In this dream, I am in a forest that is quite large. I am with a village of people in this forest and it is my job to protect the people from the Dragon. The people in the dream would shift depending on the phase in my life and the peers I was surrounded by at that point in this three dimensional life that we share now as you read this.
Over the years I felt a bit badly for the dream ---
A.) Who was I to assume a role of hero in this dream?!
B.) What was I to do with the Dragon? I can’t even kill a Spider, and I commonly accommodate the lives of insects in my house as I hold a deep love for them and their lives.
It came to me in my twenties through lots of juicy studies on dreams and our psyche … how WE ARE ALL HEROES.
We are all on our own Hero’s Journey (as described by Joseph Campbell). And we are all on a quest for WHOLENESS --- an integration of our “dark” and our “light” (as described by Carl Jung).
Dark and Light are both neither good or bad. Darkness is none other than that which we keep beneath the surface, and our Lightness is that which we can easily show off to the world … and when we can marry the two by equally expressing and respecting these energies ….
We begin to accept ourselves.
We begin to heal.
We allow the world to the our TRUE SELVES.
We share permission with those around us to do the same.
We share a mission and a MESSAGE of Unconditional Love.
So, in hindsight, as I’m writing this, I’m realizing a lot about my dream about Dragon. It was never about trying to slay a Dragon (that which I never saw ONCE in the dream!). It was about FINDING the Dragon.
It was about living in a reality where our inner Dragons can exist and SHOW us the depths and stretches of our TRUE POWER and GIFTS.
It was bout reminding you to find AND LOVE Your Dragon.
So, I wonder and I ask you … what is your Dragon wanting to express?
Where can you begin to practice letting people into the depths of your whole person … maybe with fear, yes, AND also always with COURAGE.
Because if there is something that I have learned from truly courageous people … it’s that their fear doesn’t necessarily ever go away.
They just learn how to dance with it. They learn how to invite it with them for the journey, but, also know not to give fear their power.
I invite you to step into your courage in one area of life.
Is there a conversation you’ve been needing to have?
A letter you need to write?
A book you need to publish?
A message you need to share?
Please know that you are already unconditionally loved.
Please know there are TONS of wonderful people in the world that would love to support you.
There are SO many people in the world that you can trust to be fully yourself … and that when you are fully yourself, you are able to really explore the BEAUTIFUL and BRUTIFUL depths of Human connectedness, relationship, love and friendship.
Thank you for sitting with me as I share this little Dragon with you. Even as I type this ferociously, my heart is pounding, I feel an inner shaking and I am wondering where these words are flowing from. This Dragon is magenta and red … she loves to garden and she spews her words from a mouth of fire in hopes to encourage living connectedness and self-compassion.
This Dragon welcomes you to live in your truth and love yourself through and through.
So much love to you, you beautiful dance of lightness and darkness.